Tyler Matthew Sargeant

My beautiful little star was born sleeping on the 18th july 2006 at 7:30 in the morning.

Tyler was a week overdue when i went to the hospital with contractions.
I had a show early saturday morning, i was a bit concerned as there was a slight tinge of green in the blood,so i called up the hospital and the midwife over the phone asked me if he was moving ok, i said 'yes he was moving fine',i was then told to put a sanitry towel on, and come down to the hospital when i started to have pains that were at least 6 minutes apart or if the baby started to move less then usuall.
It was'nt untill saturday evening that the pains started to get more frequent and i was beginning to get uncomfortable that i could'nt sit still.
After about an hour of trying to watch the telly my boyfriend matt asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital and as my pains were coming about every 8 minutes i thought 'why not' this was my first pregnancy and i did'nt really know what to expect.
On our way to the hospital we stopped off to get some snacks as we was'nt to sure how long we would be there.
Matt asked me if i was nervous, although i was nervous i was more excited then anything else, thinking about the pain did'nt really bother me as they had drugs for that.
I just could'nt wait to meet him,cuddle and kiss him, dress him in all his lovely clothes and show him off to people.

When we were at the hospital i was strapped up to a machine that monitors the babys heartbeat and that keeps track of your contractions.
Everything was fine his heartbeat was normal.
But according to this midwife i could'nt be in labour as i was'nt crying,and after being kept on the machine for 10 minutes she told me i could go home.I was a bit disappointed and i asked her if she could just check how far dilated i was.
When she told me i was only 1cm gone,i felt she said it almost as though she was being a bit smug, as though to say 'i told you you werent in labour'.I also mentioned the tinge of green i had seen that morning,i gave her my sanitry towel and she took a quick look at it and put it in the bin and said i was ok to go.
so i went home.

The next day was a sunday and this was to be the worst day of my life as it was today that i found out that my little star had died.
I spent the whole day at my 5 year old brother's school fair, it was only till later that evening that my mum asked me how i was feeling and had i felt the baby move that much today.I thought about it for a minute and the stupid thing was i could'nt remember a time when he had moved that day but i was still getting pains so i thought i was ok and this was all normal.
We went to the hospital straight away anyway so we could just be sure.
When we got there me and matt were taken in to the same room as the night before and the midwife got out this piece of equipment that id seen many times before as you can listen to the sound of the babys heartbeat,she put it on my stomach and there was nothing,i paniced straight away as everytime before i could hear his heartbeat so clearly,i started to cry and matt told me not to worry,and the midwife said she heard something but she was going to bring in the ultra sound machine to have a proper look.
Again there was nothing,still she told me not to worry she was just going to get the consultant. My crying was uncontrolable by now and i could see matt was too beginning to get upset.
When the consultant came in and had a look,he could'nt even say that my baby had died he just looked at me and mumbled 'i am sorry'.
Everything after that was a bit of a blur, i could'nt accept that he was gone, i mean i'd only bin there the night before and everything had been ok how could he be dead, we had come so far he was a week overdue.
I had to have a natural birth and i think that apart from having my baby cremated it was one of the hardest things i had to do.Throughout the whole time i was in labour i kept wishing that they had been wrong and that i was going to hear him cry and get to take him home.I'll never understand why these things happen a baby is the most innocent,precious thing that anybody will ever have.
When i saw Tyler he was so small and beautiful he was perfect, the time i spent with him was so hard but it was also the most precious i just could'nt stop looking at him and kissing him. I could'nt believe i had created such a beautiful little person.

Six weeks have past now, and i miss him more everyday,no matter what i do he is always on my mind and i am always thinking 'what if i had done this' or 'what if i had done that'. I cant help but blame myself and i hate myself for what has happened.
People say that time is a great healer but i don't think that i can be healed. As time goes on you just have to accept that this aint a nasty dream its real and that you have to live with it, cause there is nothing you can do to bring them back.
The only thing that keeps me going is to believe that he was to special for this world and when i die i will be with him again.

I have never felt a love and pain like i do now and will have to live with forever untill i am with Tyler again. No other baby will replace him and he will always be in my heart nobody can take him from there. I never knew a love like this exsisted. There is nothing in this world that means more to me then he does he will always be my angel,my little star my beautiful baby boy and i love him to the stars and back.

There's not a day that passes
That i don't sit and cry,
And look to heaven for a reason
But still i don't know why.

Could'nt he of waited
Another year or two
Untill you were a little older
And id had more time with you.

Forgive me lord i then say,
All these thoughts are wrong,
There had to be a reason
And i know i must be strong.

Your in the arms of jesus now
And i know that you'll be fine,
But i wish with all my heart
That those arms could be mine.

I love you Tyler and mummy misses you so much
Love you always and forever
Love mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx